Rambles

…a new chapter in my life.

I am moving. We had a good run, oh, Friendster bloggie

Had a nightmare today. As far as nightmares go, this was pretty creepy. A lot of violence, blood and gore. Have been having really weird dreams these past few days. Could it be due to late nights? Weird eating habits? Unfamiliar bedroom? Examination stress? Hehe.

Do dreams carry meanings underneath the surface? Do they carry foreshadowings, premonition of what is to come? I’ve had dreams about kissing frogs, walking down the aisle, being chased by murderous villains, being in a school filled with tennis balls (don’t even ask), living in a bubble, a friend that grew up with me (we’d catch up once every couple ‘recurring dreams’), car chases, knife attacks…the list goes on and on.

It is my stand that some dreams are just by-products of hyperactive imaginations or wishful thinking. However, surely there must be some times where dreams mean something more, where they bridge the gap between today and tomorrow, our conscious and subconscious…our mind must be trying to tell us something our heart can’t yet fathom. Or maybe the Lord wants to give us a sign from above? Why do some dreams and nightmares impact us so deeply? Why do we cry out in our sleep, fall off the bed, wake up with sweaty sheets?

to be continued… :S

Dear A,

8 months…and counting, since I last saw you! So much has changed since then, since the last time we spoke. I only knew you for a short period, yet my life was transformed. I wonder if you ever think of me as much as I think of you? I wonder where you are, and how life’s treating you. I wonder if somewhere out there, you ever look back on ‘our’ memories with fondness; ah, our stupid, goofy, lame memories. The craziest keywords set me off thinking about you….’mirror’, ‘loudspeaker’, ‘oxidisation’ (hehe)

But it doesn’t matter anyway. I will probably never see you again. Know this though, it may have only been three weeks that I got to know you, but although I didn’t realise it at the time, you did me the biggest favour just by being there. Life would have been so much different this year if I never met you! I truly believe that God put you in my path *smile*

Dear B,

I can’t believe the way the world works. I can’t believe that I took you for granted! And now, you’re one of the nicest people I know (although this may be a bit subjective). When I had the opportunity to, I never did try to delve deeper and learn more about your character, your values, your beliefs. Then, when circumstances separated us further, only THEN did I realise how lucky I was to have you view me as a friend. Now, separated by shore and sea, we talk about the silliest, random-est things, from Stalin to salsa to how Pearl Jam rocks. We talk about the future, about how your name is lame and how mine totally rocks (why, thank you!), and how one day when we meet again I’ll show you how to exploit your cool accent. I’m psyched, and totally looking forward to it. You are the coolest

Dear C,

It’s funny how paths cross. At the time I thought we would always be inextricably linked, but I guess feelings are always a little transcient. No matter, because things are slowly but surely healing between us, and that’s what really counts. How many memories do we have together…? Uncountable! Sometimes I just stand by the windowsill and am transfixed by the glorious sunlight outside. Sometimes I’m cleaning up my room and I stop to stare at something on the table. And it’s during these little moments, these little excerpts in my daily life, that I’m reminded of something that you said, or something that we did together. And I think I’m finally learning how to treasure those memories. These are irrevocable, and eventually time will ensure that they will find a place in my heart as something beautiful.

Dear D,

What you did to me really hurt me at the time, and I guess I was too cowardly to admit it. But this shall be my release. The funniest thing was that I never meant to hurt you in the first place. I loved you so very much, and I cared for you too, and I suppose that’s what made your words knife me all the more. I always thought, perhaps a bit naively, that our friendship was something unshakable, something that I could carry forward into adulthood. My future plans all included you, and I was surprised to hear that this was not reciprocated. It’s taken me some time to adjust to the fact that we will probably never be able to mend bridges, although for certain, it’s not for lack of want on my part. But I have to let you go, there’s not much choice for me on that matter. I shall do it, reluctantly of course, because I really do treasure you. I wish you all the best in life, because I still have your best interests at heart. I feel sad for the other people you have hurt, people who are close to you who want so desperately to open up to you and have you accept them. I hope that one day you’ll find that person who will accept you and make you want to better yourself, and in return you’ll learn to love yourself the way that we all love you. I’m really concerned about you, but since there seems to be nothing I can do that will provoke the inimical, I shall just sit quietly in this corner and love you from afar. It’s really too bad that it had to be this way, but please know that I’m still always here for you.

Dear E, F and G…

YOU BRIGHTEN UP MY WORLD!!! You guys are what make lazy afternoons worthwhile, and the thought of the freedom after exams so tangible. I can’t wait to see you again because it’s been just too long. You know how they say you find your soulmates? You guys are as close to soulmates that I’ve ever been to! Unbelievable really, how the strongest bonds in our relationship were forged through bytes and hours of clicking away on the keyboard. But I’m grateful all the same. Although we don’t share the same memories as other friends do in the conventional manner, because we are separated, I feel the most wonderful closeness to you guys, one that remains fiercely unrivaled. In you guys I find my confidantes, my advisors, my joys, my excitements. I doubt you will ever know how truly inspirational you all are to me, it’s funny how we seem to go through all the ups and downs together. Funny in a good way, of course! Not many people I know can sustain relationships the way we have and ours is something I shall jealously guard. I want you to know that I love you guys so much, each and every one of you are my sisters. I hope things will never change between us.

Dear H,

The timing is unbelievable, and yet there is hope. I just hope the right choices are made. And that’s that

Dear I,

The timing is UNBELIEVABLE. My jaw drops to the ground and my head hurts when I think about it. This is scary, shaky grounds. Hmm, I wonder if everything is just in my mind though…? Do blame the analyst in me for overthinking things too much

Dear J,

Many times I’ve taken you for granted, and stupidly I forget that without you my life would be so different. Truly, we have had some crazy moments together, and as in any friendship, we have our ups and downs. Did you realise that for so many people, we are inseparable? Remember the mixed-up classes, the teachers who mistook us for the other? Aaah…but as we part our ways this year, I hope it will only be physically, and not emotionally. I still want to be a part of your life. You are one of my bestest buddies, and I hope I always make you feel that way. I’m sorry if I ever hurt your feelings, or made you feel second-rate. It was stupid and selfish of me. Thank you for taking so much crap from me, and thank you for listening to me when I rant and whine. Thank you for accepting me the way I am and still loving me when I screw up. Thank you for going through difficult times with me, and thank you for having so much in common with me! You truly understand me and my motivations, which is just crazy! I want you to know that you always have my support and love in your endeavours, in your relationships, and in all your future pursuits I love you heaps!

Dear K,

It really sucks that we don’t get to talk more often. You are my identical in almost every way. We think the same, talk the same, feel the same, react the same, love the same, laugh the same, screw up the same…! I hope that you are as interested in sustaining our friendship as much as I am, because I’ve just realised recently that a friendship really takes work, and I guess sometimes I neglect my end of the deal. We have so many crazy memories together, and I hope to add, oh, about a billion more to that pile! Okay? From our first mamak-session to our crazy spontaneous moments, and our soulmate heart-to-hearts, this lil Miss Contrary wants you to know that I think about you sooo much and am totally looking forward to the next time we can chat again!

Nothing beats randomosity for me. I love the unpredictability of waking up one day and having a million paths before you. Today was definitely not one of those days. I woke up knowing that I had tuition at 12.30pm, and had to trek all the way there due to lack of transport. Nevermind, ever ready to be ‘fit’ I decided to leave the house an hour early to give me plenty of time for unexpected little incidents.

But…I forgot to bring an umbrella…actually, perhaps ‘forgot’ isn’t the right word. I saw the cloudy sky outside but I thought, "meh! Umbrellas are so heavy to carry, and it couldn’t possibly rain on my day today!" Eh, silly fool that I was, on my way just out of my gated community, the heavens opened and it started to drizzle. I speed-walked as quickly as possible to the nearest petrol station, hoping to find an umbrella I could buy or something…

But there wasn’t any. At this stage was starting to panic as the rain began to pour down torrentially and lightning lit up the sky in truly frightening fashion. Nevermind, thought the clever I, and I bounded closer to the road of the station, hoping to catch a taxi, before cleverly realising that it would be wiser to catch one at the other side of the road.

But first! There was a highway to cross! As the rain started to subside ever so little I thought what the heck and ran in typical Amelia-fashion, like the crazy roadkill-destined person that I am. And then horror of horrors, my cheap, new sandals fell off my feet and into the road! Disoriented (and perhaps a little crazy) I ran back to retrieve them, horns blaring and whatnot. Seriously, it was a life-flashing-before-thine-eyes moment…But…praise the Lord, I managed to make it to the gas station at the OTHER side of the road!

It was impossible from where I was though to walk to my tuition centre as the rain kept getting heavier and heavier. After waiting for the rain to subside (which took a good 30 minutes) I had missed a good portion of class…so decided to catch a bus to OU and just chill out for a bit before meeting up with my sister.

And I guess it’s been some time since I last ran in the rain, so it’s the little things like these that really affect me I was soaked and shivering when I arrived at the mall, but the day never looked brighter despite the dismal weather outside!

I don’t know why some things happen, when it seems that they shouldn’t have. Or why thing don’t happen, when the stars seem to have ordained that they do.

This leaves me wondering. What is the reason behind everything? Am I going to be not good enough for you, you and you as well? It seems like the one thing I want so badly is unattainable, despite my most strongest efforts. I don’t think I can keep taking these rejections, one after the other. There are blows and setbacks that seem to be raining down on me, and one day I feel like I am going to implode (note the silent implosion ^^ I am a very ‘private’ person). It doesn’t help that I’m fickle either. That one day I’m thinking, "oh, it’s alright…" and the other I’m screaming, "what an injustice!"

This reminds me of Romeo & Juliet where the hand of fate steers the two star-crossed lovers towards their doomed path. They had no control of the situation, and that’s how I feel now. A chess-piece being manipulated by the hands of…God? By the enemy? Who knows.

My one consolation is the tinny voice at the back of my mind screaming, "There is a purpose in all of this!" Be it for me to learn patience, wisdom, understanding, or maybe to get me prepared for even greater horizons up ahead…no one knows what the future holds.

But it sure sucks to be right here, right now.

Sigh.

Have you ever felt truly, truly helpless?

On Saturday, I learnt for the first time what it meant to be in a harrowing situation and not know what to do. To have someone depend so utterly on you, yet you not knowing what to do except exacerbate the situation. To have a life hang in the balance, but you…you so impassive you might as well not exist.

It was only me and two other people when the slim, tall woman in front of me started convulsing into seizures. What sort? I have no idea. I’ve never taken a course in first aid, know next to nothing about how to handle emergency situations - I’m not even a science student in school!

But the fact of the matter is, there was a woman, in front of me, her limbs all numb and stiff, curved awkwardly inward. She was jerking as though she was electrocuted, her eyes were wide open and bloodshot, her mouth agape and salivating. She made choking noises; in the back of my mind I thought, "A spoon? For her tongue…?" But it was the girl next to me who echoed my sentiment, "Put something in her mouth! Before she bites on her tongue!"

As the others took of her shoes and started massaging the poor girl, and a passerby procured some napkins and delicately wiped the saliva from her face, I crouched there, frozen to the spot where I had first witnessed this woman convulse violently. I was silent…I was helpless.

I stroked her hand. Prayed for her. Felt her soft skin…felt like crying as I seriously thought she was going to die. In the back of my mind I thought I was going to be late for a prior appointment (my selfishness at a time like this is truly remarkable) The woman was still convulsing. Vividly I remember the garbled, choked "Help!" she had cried out moments before she dropped to the floor.

In moments it had begun, and thankfully, in moments, the situation was brought under control. God bless the man who came walking by at that instant and took charge. Immediately he told us to put copper in the woman’s hand (there’s something I didn’t know), and he shoved his car keys into her fist. Almost instantaneously the convulsing stopped and the woman’s face became calmer. She was stock-still, she seemed almost unconscious, her unstaring eyes glassy and unfocused.

Then, the man told us to bring her to the table, to get her some water. Other passers-by came to help (who said Malaysian aren’t a helpful lot? Praise the Lord!) and started to call security, ask for coffee, hold the girls hands, keep her warm.

Me? I just stood in my little corner. I still felt helpless. But our God is an awesome God and he put some helpful people in that woman’s way

So, whoever you are…I’m sorry I had to leave once the other people came to your help. But I know that you are doing much better now. And even though I didn’t help you physically, I’d like to think that my will for you to get better, and the prayers that I said, kept you buoyant and alive during your ordeal.

Do you know that you have touched me? That, without even saying much, or intending to, you have inspired me to better myself? Do you know that I have learnt so much from you, despite the fact you weren’t even trying to teach me? Do you know that I’d love to get to know you better, because you seem so wise, so very unique in a world where people who really care are hard to find? Do you know that every friendship poem, every motivated piece, every short story about encounters and departures I’ve ever written has been inspired. By. You?

Do you know that even though you are unique, the relationship I share with you isn’t? I’ve had the pleasure of meeting soooo many people like you! People who came into my life, for only seconds it seems, yet left the biggest impact ever. I miss them so much - despite the fact that for many of them, I can barely recall their names (but that’s part of life, huh?)!! To quote a wise man, "the only people that we are pretty much guaranteed to be with for the rest of our lives are our families and spouses." Friendships, on the other hand, are bound to come and go, and although it’s a lamentable fact of life, the more important thing to remember is to make the time you have with your friends now count.

How will they look back on you? Were you the one that brightened up their day just by being around? Were you the one who cried for them, laughed when they laughed, shared lame and stupid inside jokes with…? When THEY think of YOU, do they miss the memories you shared together, wish they could go back to the period when time spent together was a given, just a natural way of things?

But now I’m deviating. Back to you You. You are my friend without even having extended your hand in friendship. You are my mentor despite not even trying to lead. You are my inspiration because I want to be more like you. You are a piece of myself, a bit of my soul, a footprint in my heart.

I doubt you will ever know how much our times spent together mean to me, even though I’m not really sure if we’ve spent time ‘together’ in the traditional sense! I doubt you will ever realise how, even in a group of people, I pick out your face and your actions; I really treasure having known and met you. I doubt you will ever realise the depth of how impressed I am by your actions and your words, even though we rarely speak face-to-face.

I doubt you’ll ever realise how you have impacted me so deeply. Truly, you have.

Your imprints are permanent, and I have only one wish. To touch others the way that you have touched me

This is dedicated to all the ‘informal’ friends and acquaintances I ever had that will never know how precious they are/were to me because I never had the guts to tell them I treasured them. I guess I was afraid they’d view me as some soporific, over-the-top stalker-type. Nevertheless! I’m sorry if I ever took you guys for granted, and I want you all to know. I. Mean. Every. Word.

P.S: To those reading this, there is a reason why I’ve posted this entry! Appreciate your friends! Appreciate your acquaintances Appreciate that old guy down the road who smiles whenever you walk past. Appreciate the schoolmate that saves a seat for you in the hall everytime. Appreciate the person on the bus that got up so you could sit down with your heavy bags. It doesn’t make sense, but truly, at the oddest moments, you will recall your experiences with these people and start to miss them so badly that it physically hurts. 0o

Now, dear readers (or possibly reader, or possibly phantoms, seeing how rarely this blog is ever visited!), what are your thoughts on the matter, hmm? ^^

N.B: This entry was inspired by…the weirdest source ever Jack Black in ‘School of Rock’ - flash to the scene where he is meeting his students’ parents, trying to explain his motives for impersonating a substitute teacher. He then goes on to say something along these lines, "Each of your children have truly touched me. And I’m pretty sure that I’ve touched every one of them too." ^^ If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you. Must. Watch. This. Movie.

Food for thought. Had to share this!

"Dear ____________,

There are times when I wish you were here. You will take me for a walk or a trek or a run where we will spend our time in total silence or in a heated debate. You will affirm me when I am afraid, and I will support you in your decisions. We will communicate in language and gestures that only the two of us understand. And the great part is we will not plan it that way. You will endure lengthy musicals and I will try to understand the offside rule.

You will tell me that my shirt looks frumpy and I will tell you that your breath smells. Correction is given when an offence is taken. You will reinforce my conscience when I decide to ignore it, and I do that just so you will tell me again. You will nudge me when I forget my manners and defend me when someone notices. Only to tell me the fault was mine when we are alone. You will pray for me, especially when I’m undergoing premenstrual-stress as much as you will pray for yourself during that trying period.

However, as much as I hope for those things in the future, I understand that that is when they will take place–in the future. And just as much as I look forward to times like those, I enjoy my time now in the same measure. I have come to understand that I am single not just for a season, but also for a reason.
I have discovered that this reason isn’t one to blame my solitude on, but one that will cause me to relish my singlehood. It is in this time that I have decided to work on me. So often I think about how I would like you to be, forgetting about what you would like me to be. Most importantly, I am working on my commitment with God because I believe that if I cannot commit to Someone Perfect, I cannot practice faithfulness to another not-so-perfect. It also helps that He is our Creator and holds the secrets to thriving relationships. The sort I hope ours will be like.

So I hope you understand that it’s not that I don’t want you now. It’s more that I need this time to grow on my own. To discover who I am and who God wants me to be. I am confident that you are doing likewise. And as much as I complain, I have learnt to love this time of discovery, to appreciate this period of growth, to enjoy being single. I know now that this is necessary and have decided that I’m done with just waiting for you to come. Instead I will focus on who I am becoming.

Love,___________ (in progress)"

This piece was written by Kirsty Tan. I have no idea who she is, because I got this from a friend. But! This is one of the most beautiful pieces I think I’ve ever had the pleasure to read! There is…a lesson to be learnt from this, to say the least. But, I have to say, I do wonder who my MOG is

There is beauty…

In the little things. In a smile from a stranger, in a walk down the street, in the smell of the asphalt after a rainy day, in the touch of a hand, the gentleness of a kiss, in the pressure of deadlines, in the random act of kindness you received this morning.

There is beauty when the sun rises, beauty when it sets. Beauty when we wake up in the morning, able to squint at the glaring horizon, curse, and jump out of bed. There is beauty in the gurgle of the baby, in his milky-soft breath. There is beauty in the petals of a flower, softly curled up in the morning dew. There is beauty walking down the street, breathing in the air, drinking the sights and sounds.

There is beauty, even when there is ugliness. There is beauty in that run-down old school you’ve been attending for yonks. Even when the toilets don’t function and the facilities are second-rate, there is beauty because that’s where your memories lie, that’s where you found your truest friends. There is beauty in the ratty dishevelled room that sleep in every night. There is beauty because this is where you are truly at rest, this is where you find your sanctuary.

There is beauty, in the midst of suffering. There is beauty in the last breath of a person, the look on their face just a second away from when they meet their Creator. There is beauty in the eyes of children as they play gaily with their friends, naive to the evils of the world, but in the most breathakingly enviable manner.

There is beauty in words, in the feelings and emotions they evoke. There is beauty in literature, in Shakespeare, in Byron, Shelley, Keats. There is history, heaviness, emotion in the classics. There is exuberance, daring, joy in the contemporary books. There is beauty in just sitting down with a favourite novel, saying hello to the dog-eared, well-worn pages, settling in with your best friends, those fictional characters that have accompanied you from childhood till now.

There is beauty in the Lord. Beauty when He blesses you, beauty when He shines His face upon you, beauty just because He loves you. There is beauty in all His creations, in the heavenly bodies, the lowliest insects, the seasons of the earth, the breath of life in the animals.

There is beauty in this world. There is even beauty in us.

Sometimes we just forget where to look.

Inspired by the poem ‘Miracles’. To those reading this, do me a favour - leave a comment and tell me where you find beauty

————————

Miracles by Walt Whitman.

Why! who makes much of a miracle?
As to me, I know of nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,
Or wade with naked feet along the beach, just in the edge of the
water,
Or stand under trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with any one I love–or sleep in the bed at night with
any one I love,
Or sit at table at dinner with my mother,
Or look at strangers opposite me riding in the car,
Or watch honey-bees busy around the hive, of a summer forenoon,
Or animals feeding in the fields,
Or birds–or the wonderfulness of insects in the air,
Or the wonderfulness of the sun-down–or of stars shining so quiet
and bright,
Or the exquisite, delicate, thin curve of the new moon in spring;
Or whether I go among those I like best, and that like me best–
mechanics, boatmen, farmers,
Or among the savans–or to the soiree–or to the opera,
Or stand a long while looking at the movements of machinery,
Or behold children at their sports,
Or the admirable sight of the perfect old man, or the perfect old
woman,
Or the sick in hospitals, or the dead carried to burial,
Or my own eyes and figure in the glass;
These, with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring–yet each distinct, and in its place.

To me, every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the
same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same;
Every spear of grass–the frames, limbs, organs, of men and women,
and all that concerns them,
All these to me are unspeakably perfect miracles.

To me the sea is a continual miracle;
The fishes that swim–the rocks–the motion of the waves–the ships,
with men in them,
What stranger miracles are there?